Obliging October

I've shared about my life with MS a few times but seldom talked about a common effect of autoimmune, which is depression. Our society has mistakenly used the word "depressed" to describe having a bad mood. But that's inaccurate and misleading. Depression is not just feeling down or being sad. When I was dealing with depression, there were lots of crying and irrational thinking. I broke our dining table and kicked my bedroom wall just to release the ineffable pain. I avoided meeting or talking with other people because they couldn't understand me and I was tired of hearing clichés. I wasn't suicidal, but I thought about death more than about life. Like Job, I wondered: "if this is how the rest of my life would look like, what's the point of staying around? Just call me home, Lord."

Solemn September

Finding serenity is hard when I look at what's happening around me. It also feels challenging when I look within. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling lately or who to talk with. Sometimes when there's no one to talk to, I look for questions that can help me reflect and (hopefully) make sense of things. Feel free to read or answer them...

1. How do I feel at the moment?

— Serene yet a little bit lonely.

2. What do I need more of in my life?

— Courage, humility, patience, resilience, will power.

3. What would make me happy right now?

— Agility, healing for my ill beloveds, exciting future plans, heart to heart conversation, chai latte, snow, Christmas vibe.

Just June

Picture a situation where you finally have the guts to do what you've always dreamt of—be it a study, a job, a relationship, or any sort of adventure. You are courageous enough to take a step, but then suddenly you hear...

"Don't be ridiculous! There's no way you can [...], you're just a [...]."

Ouch. What a way to kill someone's hope.

Abstruse April

Compared to my siblings and the rest of our family members, I think I am the least helpful. My initial reaction when being asked to do something is a frown. But usually, I'll feel bad and eventually decide to do it. It kinda reminds me of a story of two sons. It goes like this:

A man had two sons.
He went up to the first and said, ‘Son, go out for the day and work in the vineyard.’
The son answered, ‘I don’t want to.’ Later on he thought better of it and went.
The father gave the same command to the second son. He answered, ‘Sure, glad to.’ But he never went.
Which of the two sons did what the father asked?

Meaningful March

When you hear the word relax, what is/are the first thing(s) that comes to mind?

Is it a place? A situation? A thing? A person? Something else?

Well, keep your answer to yourself for now.

March is supposed to be the month I always look forward to (for a specific/obvious/personal reason). I know it's only the third month of 2017, but I already feel like 70 percent of my energy is sapped. My weekdays are mainly used for self-recharging in order to participate in the activities on weekends. So when Monday arrives, my body is likely glued to bed all day long.

Forbearing February

One of a few ways I'm sabotaging my life is by spending so much time preparing for the worst-case scenario that I leave myself no time or energy to pursue the best-case scenario. I spend so much time preparing things to go wrong that I often find myself completely unprepared for things to go right. Why is it so hard for me to expect the best and trust that things can also go well?

Jovial January

Blog-sphere, here I come (back)!

Just because I almost never write my musing here anymore, it doesn't mean I have quit being a contemplatrice.

First of all, the reason why I didn't post much last year is because it's been delightful having my sister back in Jakarta and a sweet interlocutor like my boyfriend in my life. They are the most patient and most easy-going people to converse with. (Did I tell you ESFJ is one of my favourite types?) However, as much as I loved pouring my heart out to these gems, I often worried that I overloaded them with my rambling story, so I limited my 'pensive session'.

And I felt lonely.

Good 2017

Hey, it's twenty seventeen! Look at the difference a year made.

Compared to 2015 where I stored my musing every day here in my blog, 2016 had been a less contemplative year for me. I hadn’t been writing as much as I used to. I’ve become more attuned to what’s happening in the now. I’ve laughed more and cried more. I'm learning to be present. It sounded weird, at first. Me? Living in the moment? Whew…I gotta recharge. #BRB

I remember, shortly after I replaced my old calendar with 2016 one, I promised myself to be a better person by hoping to accomplish these things and those things. Nothing grandiose, I guess. But as always (and I’m learning to be less surprised), my well-crafted plans were proven to be rather unexciting as months went by.

I thought I would leave my home country again by February. I thought I would be able to speak and write in Deutsch within several months. I thought I would be a graduate student by September. I thought I would earn my own living by being a stay-at-home designer. I thought I would get rid of my walker and start driving my car again.

Instead…

A project for the chronically brave

Since completing #THE100DAYPROJECT, I have been keeping myself busy with a number of different works that aren't "instagram-worthy". I hadn't really thought of doing another personal project, until this came to mind...

Year 25

SURPRISE! It's day 9125-ish post (of my entire life). Not sure if anyone still visits this blog, but I decided to post a surprising post because today marks my quarter-century. Gosh I thought I would always be forever 19!

First of all, I didn't plan to contemplate anything, let alone to post something on this blog again. But a friend of mine—who shall remain nameless—once upon a day came to me and asked to share '25 things that make me happy'. I don't know for what purpose, but that made me pause and reflect.

Before I share the contemplation, let me tell you what happens today. . .

Day 255 + 1

First of all, I made a silly mistake. I miscounted the days of my contemplation (ugh, numbers and I don't match!). Hopefully, this explains the title of this post. This is the last day of 2015, which marks the last post of my 255 days of contemplation. It's hard to believe I've written a lot and now it's time to go back to my physical journal book.

Such an emotional feeling.

Day 255

What makes home delightful is, without a doubt, the people I know. Living in a hectic metropolitan city like Jakarta makes it difficult to spend a good amount of time with friends or family. Having 'quality time' as my primary love language, I really treasure the people who make time to catch up with one another.

Day 254

In retrospect, 2015 was a year of the unexpected. Like I have said plenty of times before, my initial plans were mostly revised throughout the year. Every unexpected thing was both mind-messing and heartwarming. Ultimately, it is good, pleasing, and perfect. The year is going to end soon, but the story hasn't yet ended.

Day 253

Where did my contemplation go?

The closer I am to the end of my 255 days of contemplation, the more struggle I have in putting my thoughts into words. Since I haven't given a decent time to ponder over 2015 and get things set for 2016, I decided to share some of the happenings recently:

Day 252

It's fascinating to see how well-travelled people these days. Is it because of airfares that are getting more affordable? Incomes that are getting higher? Or people who are getting more venturesome? Well, it could be all of them. The world now seems smaller and easier to explore. However, there are a few things people tend to overlook before departing to a foreign land.

Day 250

Today we are celebrating the greatest act of humility, the remarkable evidence of love, the fulfilment of prophecies, and the beginning of hope and reconciliation.

Day 249

Normal working hours in Indonesia is 8 am to 5 pm. In (my) ideal world, working hours would be from 8 pm to 5 am. Ha-ha. True story.

Day 248

Part of me is darn realistic, but the other part is awfully romantic. Sometimes I wonder how could I be both logical and idealistic. It's like having the best and the worst of both worlds. I am a real life oxymoron.

Day 247

Today, my family and I went to Surabaya to see an iridologist, as suggested by a friend of ours.

Day 246

In case you didn't notice, it is ten more days until twenty sixteen—which means, I've only got 10 more contemplation to post! ((Gasp)) Is anybody still following my rambling? Smile if you are.