Year 25

SURPRISE! It's day 9125-ish post (of my entire life). Not sure if anyone still visits this blog, but I decided to post a surprising post because today marks my quarter-century. Gosh I thought I would always be forever 19!

First of all, I didn't plan to contemplate anything, let alone to post something on this blog again. But a friend of mine—who shall remain nameless—once upon a day came to me and asked to share '25 things that make me happy'. I don't know for what purpose, but that made me pause and reflect.

Before I share the contemplation, let me tell you what happens today. . .

Day 243

I slept late these last few nights. I had long conversations with my friend who's been staying at our home to help me with the "Europe plan". She's like my older sister and has shared a lot of crucial 'unexpected' lessons that God has taught her through the circumstances she went through. My spirit was lifted and encouraged by her stories. That's why we kept on talking all night long.

Day 236

I want to feel like I deserve good things. But I don't, and it makes me furious.

Day 214

I have been receiving devotional readings from Rest Ministries. It is a great blessing to be encouraged and reminded by other people with similar struggle (chronic illnesses). Today's reading particularly resonates with me.

It's about: "When God Seems To Ask More Than You're Capable Of"

Day 211

In my anger, I often wish for nothing but death.

Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal. I just sometimes fail to sense any enthusiasm to carry on with life. Now, before you start bashing me with buoyant optimistic verses / quotes / advice, let me explain why I sometimes believe that to die is better than to live.

Day 205

I have been restless. My sleep pattern gets messier (well, it's already messed up, so you can imagine how bad it's becoming) and I could barely stay collected. Overthinking and over-planning are my companions during midnight until dawn. So much going on in my head yet all I could do is blank-staring the computer screen for hours until I fell asleep on my chair.

Day 201

When I am out of words, I am thankful for passages that help me uttering what's difficult to express.

Day 200

The kind of believer I want to be. . .

Day 198

Does unexpected change of plans make you feel:

a. Eager / lively / enthusiastic / hopeful, or
b. Uncomfortable / anxious / confused / fearful?

It's easy to guess what my choice is, right?

Day 183

I was scheduled for another MRI examination today. It's not a frightening process but still isn't a fun thing to do. I was wondering how different or similar the whole test here and in Indonesia would be. Obviously, the costs were huge different. How grateful I am for my family who are willing to do anything, as best as they can, to take care of me. I hoped the result wouldn't make them worry.

Day 179

Somebody I admire used to visit and read what I posted daily. It was, in no doubt, flattering. I felt valued and honoured. ((Well, actually, I would generally feel honoured every time I found out people read my blog)) However, that also caused a little bit of uneasy feeling. I felt the need of making an impression on that particular reader. I started to 'plan' my contemplation, instead of contemplating unpretentiously. It became a pressure.

Day 164

In this age of distraction, what's been decreasing is not only the pleasures of reading physical books, but also the pleasures of praying.

Day 157

"I drove you guys, remember?" our Lyft driver greeted us as we got into his white Toyota RAV4 this afternoon. He was an Asian-American with Afro hairdo.

Day 154

God's trying to get my full attention.

Day 150

One day. . .

Day 135

((Part 2 of "Eventually, everything connects" posts. . .))

Day 133

I think I've been blogging since my teenage years and throughout college. Before this one, I called my old blog 'The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows'. How naive of me. Well, I still am. I have 'shut down' that seven-year-old blog (or more like, let it hibernate) for an indefinite amount of time, but I can still access to my old posts.

I found a post that made me giggle. I decided to re-post it with a few revisions (yeah, I am too lazy to contemplate any topic today—besides, questions help to prompt some contemplation, right?).

Day 121

'Why keep praying when there's no answer?'

Day 119

Proud to announce my accomplishment this Summer!

Day 118

As someone who is more orderly than spontaneous, I often wish all aspects in life have its own formula or recipe to follow through. I reckon if I could follow the instructions step by step, I could make life less complicated.

Inevitably, there is no set of formula and so I feel lost on the way.