Abstruse April

Compared to my siblings and the rest of our family members, I think I am the least helpful. My initial reaction when being asked to do something is a frown. But usually, I'll feel bad and eventually decide to do it. It kinda reminds me of a story of two sons. It goes like this:

A man had two sons.
He went up to the first and said, ‘Son, go out for the day and work in the vineyard.’
The son answered, ‘I don’t want to.’ Later on he thought better of it and went.
The father gave the same command to the second son. He answered, ‘Sure, glad to.’ But he never went.
Which of the two sons did what the father asked?

It almost sounds like I'm justifying my tendency of turning down orders. Maybe I was. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just cheerfully accept requests and get them done. Why do I resist? At first, I thought maybe because I am a firstborn whose ego is too huge to be dutiful. But that's not accurate because I love completing my tasks and doing others some favour. (my ego is still pretty big, though!)

Then why do I get offended when people ask me what to do? I realised it's actually about meeting their expectation. Helping becomes exciting when there is no compulsion or demand to perform. Helping is energising when I do it willingly, without being forced. I gladly lend a hand and even go an extra mile for those who don't expect too much from me. My energy and inspiration flourish almost magically for those people. So for me, helping others gives me tremendous joy, especially if I can do it freely.

However, I realise that it is a selfish inclination. I don't live in a reverse-psychology world, so I can't make the rules. Most people don't function like me and they are happy when I do what I am asked to do. What I need to learn is finding balance: knowing when to perform and when to rest. I must learn my own levels of development so I become aware of my healthy levels and unhealthy levels. For instance, today I sort of feel dissatisfied with reality, become high-minded idealists, feel like it is up to me to improve everything. I start investing my time and energy into whatever I believe will be safe and stable. I over-organise and structure, look to alliances and authorities for security and continuity. I become constantly vigilant and anticipate problems (these are the level 4 of Type 1 and Type 6). In other words, I'm not in my healthy stage.

My head keeps telling me to do, do, do. My heart keeps telling me to pray, pray, pray. My body keeps telling me to sleep, sleep, sleep. I wish they would synchronise. Sigh...

"Are you tired?" Yes.
"Worn out?" Almost.
"Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life." How?
"I'll show you how to take a real rest."
"Walk with Me and work with Me—watch how I do it."
"Learn the unforced rhythm of grace."
"I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you."
"Keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."