Approaching the ninth month this year, I couldn't help but take a deep sigh. On one hand, I feel grateful for the activities and eventful weeks that I got to participate in. Amazingly, I hadn't experienced a major flare up so far, despite the energy-consuming bustle. On the other hand, these productivities often snatch my contemplating moments, which normally energise me. It is during contemplation that I can shift my focus from the present to the future and will take specific steps to ensure that I am pursuing goals that reflect my long-term goals. And by contemplating, I become steadily more confident in my decision-making abilities. When my internal locus of control shifts back into place, I can regain my sense of empathy and connection with others. Moreover, only by spending time alone in contemplation that I can enter the sanctuary of my Lord, fully enjoy His presence and receive His Word wholeheartedly. As a consequence of my lack of introverting time this year, I have become less self-affirming and relied mostly on other people's discernment and validation. And to be honest, that puts pressure on those around me and slowly distances myself from God. I miss being prayerful.
But this post isn't about my inner fatigue or my spiritual drought.
On top of my to do list this year was getting accepted into a graduate program. Praise the Lord, my boyfriend and I have been accepted to the programs we both found intriguing the most. The next thing on my list is receiving a scholarship to cover my tuition fee and living cost. For several months, my boyfriend and I immersed ourselves in our scholarship applications—writing a lot of different essays, collecting recommendation letters, medical reports, and other required documents. They weren't easy to gather because we also had other responsibilities to fulfil each week. With high hopes and hard work, we both believed God would reward us by making our path smooth.
It turned out that God had a different scenario for us. Recently, we found out our applications weren't successful. Without a doubt, our heart sank. Those would've been our "tickets" to the future! Now that we don't have them, it becomes unclear whether or not we should pursue our studies next year. I tried examining the situation from all possible angles to help me decide on a course of action. I started questioning the confidence I had in understanding God's leading.
That's when the Spirit corrected me.
It matters little to God if my boyfriend and I get the scholarship or get into grad school next year. God could easily open the door if He thinks that it would please Him, bring Him honour, bless many people and fulfil us. What God desires is for us to remain in fellowship with Him, even when we're experiencing internal confusion about the future. Would we still believe that God will never put us to shame if we put our hope in Him?
Disappointment is bound to happen in life, no matter how 'ideal' our plans seem and how sure we are of our actions. But the purpose of disappointment isn't to diminish our faith or shatter our hope. Disappointment happens so that we purify our motives and turn our eyes to the Author whose plan never disappoints. It takes humility to not feel bitter and to say with confidence, "how silly I am to think I know what's best for me! Here I am, Lord, lead me and shape me."
That's when the Spirit corrected me.
It matters little to God if my boyfriend and I get the scholarship or get into grad school next year. God could easily open the door if He thinks that it would please Him, bring Him honour, bless many people and fulfil us. What God desires is for us to remain in fellowship with Him, even when we're experiencing internal confusion about the future. Would we still believe that God will never put us to shame if we put our hope in Him?
God has to keep results that are encouraging away from us
until we learn to trust Him without them.
Then He loves to make His Word as real to us
in actuality as it is in our faith.
- A.B. Simpson
Disappointment is bound to happen in life, no matter how 'ideal' our plans seem and how sure we are of our actions. But the purpose of disappointment isn't to diminish our faith or shatter our hope. Disappointment happens so that we purify our motives and turn our eyes to the Author whose plan never disappoints. It takes humility to not feel bitter and to say with confidence, "how silly I am to think I know what's best for me! Here I am, Lord, lead me and shape me."
"God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what He said, doing what pleases Him."It gives me great peace knowing our endeavour wasn't meaningless. It gives me great excitement to anticipate what God is about to do in the midst of impossibility. Let's stay the course!
- 1 John 3
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