Obliging October

I've shared about my life with MS a few times but seldom talked about a common effect of autoimmune, which is depression. Our society has mistakenly used the word "depressed" to describe having a bad mood. But that's inaccurate and misleading. Depression is not just feeling down or being sad. When I was dealing with depression, there were lots of crying and irrational thinking. I broke our dining table and kicked my bedroom wall just to release the ineffable pain. I avoided meeting or talking with other people because they couldn't understand me and I was tired of hearing clichés. I wasn't suicidal, but I thought about death more than about life. Like Job, I wondered: "if this is how the rest of my life would look like, what's the point of staying around? Just call me home, Lord."

Solemn September

Finding serenity is hard when I look at what's happening around me. It also feels challenging when I look within. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling lately or who to talk with. Sometimes when there's no one to talk to, I look for questions that can help me reflect and (hopefully) make sense of things. Feel free to read or answer them...

1. How do I feel at the moment?

— Serene yet a little bit lonely.

2. What do I need more of in my life?

— Courage, humility, patience, resilience, will power.

3. What would make me happy right now?

— Agility, healing for my ill beloveds, exciting future plans, heart to heart conversation, chai latte, snow, Christmas vibe.

Assiduous August

Approaching the ninth month this year, I couldn't help but take a deep sigh. On one hand, I feel grateful for the activities and eventful weeks that I got to participate in. Amazingly, I hadn't experienced a major flare up so far, despite the energy-consuming bustle. On the other hand, these productivities often snatch my contemplating moments, which normally energise me. It is during contemplation that I can shift my focus from the present to the future and will take specific steps to ensure that I am pursuing goals that reflect my long-term goals. And by contemplating, I become steadily more confident in my decision-making abilities. When my internal locus of control shifts back into place, I can regain my sense of empathy and connection with others. Moreover, only by spending time alone in contemplation that I can enter the sanctuary of my Lord, fully enjoy His presence and receive His Word wholeheartedly. As a consequence of my lack of introverting time this year, I have become less self-affirming and relied mostly on other people's discernment and validation. And to be honest, that puts pressure on those around me and slowly distances myself from God. I miss being prayerful.

But this post isn't about my inner fatigue or my spiritual drought.

Jam-packed July

I once read a tweet by Rick Warren: "Never confuse activity with productivity". My desire to be productive sometimes encounters such confusion. I especially felt it these past few months. Without a doubt, it has nearly worn me out. A number of activities and works kept me from doing my favourite therapy (#doodling) and I felt drained. When fatigue kicked in, it became wearisome to act positively and be the best version. Hence, I said hurtful things, reacted badly and had an unclear mind in different situations.

Busyness doesn't prove significance.

Activity isn't productivity.

A busy life can be a barren life.

Be still and listen to God.

- Rick Warren

When I choose to pause and listen to what the Lord has to say, I become aware that it is impossible to do everything that people ask me to do, because I am only given limited capacity to do what God wants me to do. Thankfully, He always graces me with the desire and energy to do what pleases Him. My job is to be wise and selective in choosing activities that help me fulfil God's purpose for my life. I have to keep in mind that not all good activity is purposeful. And as I rested, I was also reminded that one of the ways to restore my energy is by reflecting on the goodness in my life. Amidst these restless weeks, there's always an opportunity to count the blessings. I made a list of the things that I often take for granted and I should be thankful for instead.

In no particular order, I thank God for:

Just June

Picture a situation where you finally have the guts to do what you've always dreamt of—be it a study, a job, a relationship, or any sort of adventure. You are courageous enough to take a step, but then suddenly you hear...

"Don't be ridiculous! There's no way you can [...], you're just a [...]."

Ouch. What a way to kill someone's hope.

Mysterious May

"What would you like to be when you grow up?"

Most 10-year-old kids would like to be a doctor, a teacher, an engineer, or even a president when they grow up. I remember, sixteen years ago my answer to that question was "I would like to be a detective". This didn't surprise people, considering my stacked collection of detective books and comics back then. As years went by, my dream job changed because I kept having nightmares of witnessing murders and I couldn't stand looking at blood. That also caused me to become a person who is easily suspicious of others. I secretly question people's motives, observe their behaviour, connect random dots, over analyse certain incident and imagine horrific scenarios. But unlike Sherlock Holmes, I seldom solve mysteries.

Abstruse April

Compared to my siblings and the rest of our family members, I think I am the least helpful. My initial reaction when being asked to do something is a frown. But usually, I'll feel bad and eventually decide to do it. It kinda reminds me of a story of two sons. It goes like this:

A man had two sons.
He went up to the first and said, ‘Son, go out for the day and work in the vineyard.’
The son answered, ‘I don’t want to.’ Later on he thought better of it and went.
The father gave the same command to the second son. He answered, ‘Sure, glad to.’ But he never went.
Which of the two sons did what the father asked?

Forbearing February

One of a few ways I'm sabotaging my life is by spending so much time preparing for the worst-case scenario that I leave myself no time or energy to pursue the best-case scenario. I spend so much time preparing things to go wrong that I often find myself completely unprepared for things to go right. Why is it so hard for me to expect the best and trust that things can also go well?

Good 2017

Hey, it's twenty seventeen! Look at the difference a year made.

Compared to 2015 where I stored my musing every day here in my blog, 2016 had been a less contemplative year for me. I hadn’t been writing as much as I used to. I’ve become more attuned to what’s happening in the now. I’ve laughed more and cried more. I'm learning to be present. It sounded weird, at first. Me? Living in the moment? Whew…I gotta recharge. #BRB

I remember, shortly after I replaced my old calendar with 2016 one, I promised myself to be a better person by hoping to accomplish these things and those things. Nothing grandiose, I guess. But as always (and I’m learning to be less surprised), my well-crafted plans were proven to be rather unexciting as months went by.

I thought I would leave my home country again by February. I thought I would be able to speak and write in Deutsch within several months. I thought I would be a graduate student by September. I thought I would earn my own living by being a stay-at-home designer. I thought I would get rid of my walker and start driving my car again.

Instead…

Year 25

SURPRISE! It's day 9125-ish post (of my entire life). Not sure if anyone still visits this blog, but I decided to post a surprising post because today marks my quarter-century. Gosh I thought I would always be forever 19!

First of all, I didn't plan to contemplate anything, let alone to post something on this blog again. But a friend of mine—who shall remain nameless—once upon a day came to me and asked to share '25 things that make me happy'. I don't know for what purpose, but that made me pause and reflect.

Before I share the contemplation, let me tell you what happens today. . .

Day 255 + 1

First of all, I made a silly mistake. I miscounted the days of my contemplation (ugh, numbers and I don't match!). Hopefully, this explains the title of this post. This is the last day of 2015, which marks the last post of my 255 days of contemplation. It's hard to believe I've written a lot and now it's time to go back to my physical journal book.

Such an emotional feeling.

Day 255

What makes home delightful is, without a doubt, the people I know. Living in a hectic metropolitan city like Jakarta makes it difficult to spend a good amount of time with friends or family. Having 'quality time' as my primary love language, I really treasure the people who make time to catch up with one another.

Day 254

In retrospect, 2015 was a year of the unexpected. Like I have said plenty of times before, my initial plans were mostly revised throughout the year. Every unexpected thing was both mind-messing and heartwarming. Ultimately, it is good, pleasing, and perfect. The year is going to end soon, but the story hasn't yet ended.

Day 253

Where did my contemplation go?

The closer I am to the end of my 255 days of contemplation, the more struggle I have in putting my thoughts into words. Since I haven't given a decent time to ponder over 2015 and get things set for 2016, I decided to share some of the happenings recently:

Day 251

If I could summarise my contemplation this year into one theme and picture, it would be this:

Day 250

Today we are celebrating the greatest act of humility, the remarkable evidence of love, the fulfilment of prophecies, and the beginning of hope and reconciliation.

Day 247

Today, my family and I went to Surabaya to see an iridologist, as suggested by a friend of ours.

Day 245

During a season of predicament, one of the heavy tasks is to love those who are hard to love. In this case, I am struggling to be gracious towards some family members.

Day 244

What a privilege to be affiliated with an organisation that is Kingdom-centred. For me, personally, it is a great blessing to still be a part of young adults core team in Jakarta. This weekend, we're having evaluation/planning sleep-over at our house. There were a dozen of us, who have committed in running the activities and events each month in 2016.

Day 243

I slept late these last few nights. I had long conversations with my friend who's been staying at our home to help me with the "Europe plan". She's like my older sister and has shared a lot of crucial 'unexpected' lessons that God has taught her through the circumstances she went through. My spirit was lifted and encouraged by her stories. That's why we kept on talking all night long.