Day 211

In my anger, I often wish for nothing but death.

Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal. I just sometimes fail to sense any enthusiasm to carry on with life. Now, before you start bashing me with buoyant optimistic verses / quotes / advice, let me explain why I sometimes believe that to die is better than to live.

I have contemplated hundreds of different scenarios in my head to find some exciting reasons to continue living my life to the fullest. What I found is that any sort of activity—whether big adventure or trivial routine—is meaningless. I am not just talking about this because of my discouraging physical condition. I mean, look at what's happening around the world. Those events reassure me that life is fleeting and this world is certainly not home. Ecclesiastes is so spot on in this subject. Every single thing in this world has expiration date. So if everything has a season or leads to death, what's the point of staying alive and having a long life? Every pursuit, every desire, every ambition, every goal, every dream will cease. Whether or not we finally accomplish them, they eventually will vanish. When this kind of mindset occupies my mind, I become more eager to meet my Maker.

Photo credit: Ben Giesbrecht

Not everybody understands the longing of truly wanting to leave this temporary world to reunite with my Creator. I know some people love their lives so much, they're not ready to lose it—at least, not until they achieve this thing or that thing. The danger of wanting so much things in life is attachment. I have seen how relationships and possessions make people more and more afraid of dying. One of my married friends once told me, "You know, when I was still single, I wasn't scared of death. Now that I am married, I am not sure I am ready to die because I can't imagine leaving my husband and my family behind."

Attachment on earth makes us scared of death. I guess, that is why it seems easy for me to say that I don't mind dying young. Well, I am not yet married, I am not dating any guy or even crushing anyone at the moment (I just found out the hipster-looking drummer/bassist at church is married, so...yeah #heartbroken). What's more, my loved ones and closest friends are devoted to Christ (the Great Commission task is "done" here, isn't it? LOL!). What's left for me to do? What else shall I be doing?

If I continue to live with deteriorating health, I'll become a burden and that kills me inside. Not seldom I ask the Lord to just call me home. I'm happy with what I've seen and tasted in this life so far. I'm satisfied with my almost 25 years of pilgrimage. All the effort of healing and recovery has been more wearisome than refreshing. I'm doing it because my family and friends wish to see me doing better. That's what they want. Is it really what I want? Being healthy (again) is good but if it only makes me more attached to this momentary life, what good it will give me?

"If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; But for (my family's and beloved friends') sakes, it is better that I continue to live."
- Paul

Ironically, my devotional reading this week talks about Being Enthusiastic. This enthusiasm means being in God. "Why should we live with enthusiasm? Because we are en theos (in God). We're by God, for God, and in God. He is our fuel and our destination. He is our endurance and our reward."

God is the only one who does not have expiration date.

Hence, He is meaningful and worth living for.

So, back to what I wrote in the beginning of this post. . .

In my anger, I often wish to depart from this life. Yet, God in His grace, soothes my anger and replaces it with undeniable enthusiasm by making the unlikely choice to put me in His story. And when I live this way, "the story gets so much better and the crowd of witnesses gets so much bigger."