Day 180

When I am angry or confused, I stop asking for what I really desire. What's the point of wrestling with it, anyway? Hundreds of other people have also been praying with me and asking on behalf of me for it, but guess what? There hasn't been any sign of answered prayer. I don't think I've got enough patience left to wait for something that isn't coming. It's been burdensome and humiliating, if I could be honest. I want to be praying with and for other people, not the other way around! It's beginning to feel like my (and their) prayer sound like futile noises.

When hope and strength are growing thin and nobody seems to listen or care or understand, it is tempting to run to things that give instantaneous delight—like food, drinks, entertainment, or people you aren't supposed to talk to (anymore). It is easier to act impulsively to distract my mind from negative thoughts and emotions. Be it doubt, anger, disappointment, sadness, or weariness, I just want to run away from it and not punch it in the face. And instead of feeling better, I often become more miserable and crankier. I know I should have gone to the right Person. Yet sometimes I feel like that Person isn't interested or willing to help me. If He was, He would've done it without me asking, right?

I wish I could end this post by some uplifting verses to make me sound less ungrateful or gloomy. Maybe there are heaps of encouraging quotes I could include here, but I don't feel like anything can cheer me up at the moment, so I won't lie. I believe this gloom shall pass and I will get better. Right now, I just want to stay true.

I am tired.

((In case you're unfamiliar with sarcasm, this picture contains 100% scorn))