Day 222

Today I felt like I wasn't being myself. I couldn't feel God. I was overcome by my own fear, anxiety, bitterness, and weakness. I screamed, sobbed, kicked, and punched things like a person without hope and faith. I couldn't conceal my anguish. I expressed my frustration and anger in any way I could until I got exhausted and my family worried. It's certainly not my best day.

God seemed silent, but the truth is, He was working silently.

When I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy, I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox in Your presence. I'm still in Your presence, but You have taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then You bless me.
— Psalm 73:21-24

When my frustration became less intense, this song came up on my playlist and washed away my resentment.

When the pieces seem too shattered to gather off the floor /

And all that really matters is that I can't feel You anymore /

Is that I don't feel You anymore /

When I'm overcome by fear and I hate everything I know / 

If this waiting lasts forever I'm afraid I might let go /

I'm afraid I might let go /

I need a reason to sing I need a reason to sing /

I need to know that You're still holding the whole world in Your hands /

And I need a reason to sing //

I will sing sing sing to my God my King for all else fades away /

I will love love love with this heart You've made /

For You've been good always //