Day 193

Today I let my fears spoke louder than God's voice.

I don't know why I did that. My next doctor's appointment is in two weeks. My parents had expressed their disappointment to me about the lack of support from the clinic and my doctor. They planned to complain and asked for realistic solution from the MS centre here. I kept creating possible scenarios of conversation my family and the doctor would have. I guess that's what wore me down. I don't like confrontation (even though it isn't addressed to me). I wish things would just turn out to be fine and in harmony. I couldn't relax and my body responded to my frustration quite badly. My legs became heavier than usual, the numbness and tingling sensation were increasing, and I felt more useless than ever.

Why can't I get better without other people's help? Why can't I become healthy again without medication or expensive treatment? What is God waiting for? Why won't He show up right now and end all this predicament?

My heart felt so heavy and I didn't feel like talking to anyone about it. I felt like I've shared enough updates to my closest friends. So I covered myself in a blanket, put on my earphones, and this old song came up on my iPod. . .


I was reminded by last Sunday's sermon from Ecclesiastes 6:9 to 7:12

Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart (crying blotches the face but scours the heart). The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure. The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions.

The pastor added, "Endings are better than beginnings, but the story has not yet finished. Your story is not yet ending. Don't give up, don't lose hope."

Those words revived me. Of course this isn't the end, why am I so upset? Why am I so preoccupied with the discouraging details and losing sight of the hopeful bigger picture—God's point of view?

Just as the song sings. . .

When the world caves in / Still my hope will cling to Your promise /

Where my courage ends / Let my heart find strength in Your presence /

I'll walk through the fire with my head lifted high / And my spirit revived in Your story /

And I'll look to the cross As my failure is lost In the light of Your glorious grace /

This is not my story. This is His.
So, let the ruins come to life in the beauty of His Name.