Day 85

Tonight suddenly became that 'I'm struggling to keep my eyes above the waves' moment. A sense of overwhelming realisation that I have been in this city long enough, yet I have not seen significant progress in my health weighed heavily on me.

The treatment has been slower than we expected and I am not as energetic as I wanted to. Although I feel more relaxed here, my spasticity still prevents me from being more mobile. Looking at a lot of papers/brochures that I still have to read, forms to fill, medications to prescribe, and having to make a few calls to ensure some missing information, were too much for me to handle. I have been too dependent on my sister and it caused more stress. My head wasn't clear and my heart was overwhelmed, so I broke down in tears. I am not as tough as I thought L

O I tried and tried to rectify my hopeless situation
But I bought the lie, "I still have work to do"
My joy has been on holiday
And my peace has almost passed away
—Jimmy Needham

In moment like this, the ocean seems too deep and the waves get higher. Just like Peter's experience of walking on the water: when he kept his eyes on Jesus, he could do the impossible; but once he took his eyes off Jesus and saw the wind and storm that surrounded him, fear and doubt grew in him and he started to sink. I think that's what happened to me tonight: I was beginning to sink.

Like Peter, I had no choice besides crying out, "Lord, save me!"

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