Obliging October

I've shared about my life with MS a few times but seldom talked about a common effect of autoimmune, which is depression. Our society has mistakenly used the word "depressed" to describe having a bad mood. But that's inaccurate and misleading. Depression is not just feeling down or being sad. When I was dealing with depression, there were lots of crying and irrational thinking. I broke our dining table and kicked my bedroom wall just to release the ineffable pain. I avoided meeting or talking with other people because they couldn't understand me and I was tired of hearing clichés. I wasn't suicidal, but I thought about death more than about life. Like Job, I wondered: "if this is how the rest of my life would look like, what's the point of staying around? Just call me home, Lord."

Solemn September

Finding serenity is hard when I look at what's happening around me. It also feels challenging when I look within. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling lately or who to talk with. Sometimes when there's no one to talk to, I look for questions that can help me reflect and (hopefully) make sense of things. Feel free to read or answer them...

1. How do I feel at the moment?

— Serene yet a little bit lonely.

2. What do I need more of in my life?

— Courage, humility, patience, resilience, will power.

3. What would make me happy right now?

— Agility, healing for my ill beloveds, exciting future plans, heart to heart conversation, chai latte, snow, Christmas vibe.

Assiduous August

Approaching the ninth month this year, I couldn't help but take a deep sigh. On one hand, I feel grateful for the activities and eventful weeks that I got to participate in. Amazingly, I hadn't experienced a major flare up so far, despite the energy-consuming bustle. On the other hand, these productivities often snatch my contemplating moments, which normally energise me. It is during contemplation that I can shift my focus from the present to the future and will take specific steps to ensure that I am pursuing goals that reflect my long-term goals. And by contemplating, I become steadily more confident in my decision-making abilities. When my internal locus of control shifts back into place, I can regain my sense of empathy and connection with others. Moreover, only by spending time alone in contemplation that I can enter the sanctuary of my Lord, fully enjoy His presence and receive His Word wholeheartedly. As a consequence of my lack of introverting time this year, I have become less self-affirming and relied mostly on other people's discernment and validation. And to be honest, that puts pressure on those around me and slowly distances myself from God. I miss being prayerful.

But this post isn't about my inner fatigue or my spiritual drought.

Jam-packed July

I once read a tweet by Rick Warren: "Never confuse activity with productivity". My desire to be productive sometimes encounters such confusion. I especially felt it these past few months. Without a doubt, it has nearly worn me out. A number of activities and works kept me from doing my favourite therapy (#doodling) and I felt drained. When fatigue kicked in, it became wearisome to act positively and be the best version. Hence, I said hurtful things, reacted badly and had an unclear mind in different situations.

Busyness doesn't prove significance.

Activity isn't productivity.

A busy life can be a barren life.

Be still and listen to God.

- Rick Warren

When I choose to pause and listen to what the Lord has to say, I become aware that it is impossible to do everything that people ask me to do, because I am only given limited capacity to do what God wants me to do. Thankfully, He always graces me with the desire and energy to do what pleases Him. My job is to be wise and selective in choosing activities that help me fulfil God's purpose for my life. I have to keep in mind that not all good activity is purposeful. And as I rested, I was also reminded that one of the ways to restore my energy is by reflecting on the goodness in my life. Amidst these restless weeks, there's always an opportunity to count the blessings. I made a list of the things that I often take for granted and I should be thankful for instead.

In no particular order, I thank God for:

Just June

Picture a situation where you finally have the guts to do what you've always dreamt of—be it a study, a job, a relationship, or any sort of adventure. You are courageous enough to take a step, but then suddenly you hear...

"Don't be ridiculous! There's no way you can [...], you're just a [...]."

Ouch. What a way to kill someone's hope.