Day 166

In my teenage years, one of my insecurities was my sense of fashion. I never considered myself as a fashionable nor stylish girl, mainly because I wasn't very comfortable in my own skin. I always went for comfort instead of style when choosing clothing items. I would rather do solo-shopping than shopping with my girl friends. I used to worry other girls would judge my clothing preference. When I scanned my wardrobe, I found out my favourite outfits to wear were mostly the same clothes I've worn in the last two to four years. I'm loyal (or boring) like that!

Now in my twenties, I've learnt to become happier and more relaxed in my own self. Still, compared to other ladies, I don't shop often. The closest thing I do to shopping is pinning stuff on Pinterest. ((Come on, it's free))

In spite of that, I still have the same insecurity. And it has grown worse since MS.

When I was just getting comfortable with who I am as a woman, MS slowly scraped my confidence. Firstly, I had to accept the fact that I could not wear certain types of shoes anymore (heels, wedges, or anything that makes walking or standing seem 'classy and elegant', yet impossible to do with poor balance). Secondly, as numbness and tingling sensation on both my legs developed, wearing skinny jeans, tight trousers, or leggings suddenly caused discomfort. Thirdly—and this is the most annoying symptom so far, "bathroom urgency" problems forced me to choose to wear skirt or dress to avoid stress and inconvenience in public places. Well, I could still tolerate these adjustments. But then I had to start wearing hip flexion assist device and I became devastated. The thought of 'wanting to look good or cool' has now been replaced with 'as long as it looks socially acceptable', 'as long as I don't draw attention by wearing this' and 'as long as I don't feel physical discomfort'.

I thought, "this is ridiculous. I look ridiculous. What am I supposed to wear now?"

My outfits have become limited to loose fitting clothes, flared skirt or dress, comfy shoes with laces (I can't even wear Toms/Wakai anymore, 'thanks' to HFAD). While I know that this isn't the most profound struggle in life, I keep wishing this insecurity will go away easily.

At some point, God wanted me to quit fussing over this matter. It's funny how He did that through my brother. A couple of days ago when we went out for dinner, my brother gave me an out-of-the-blue comment, "I like how simple you dress up, kak."

Whoa, I didn't expect to hear that from him, especially because he tends to criticise our (his sisters) looks. LOL! "Oh, I have to wear simple clothing now," I replied. "Because of this..." I pointed at my HFAD.

"I like girls with simple style. I hope to find a girl who dresses up like you," said my brother, not even looking at my ugly walking assist device. He sounded so genuine. It was probably the most reassuring and the most heartening thing I've heard this week. Glad to hear my brother, at least, didn't think my style was distasteful. He-he. What's even more uplifting? The One behind all fashionable creation, takes good care of me.

Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen colour and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think He’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you?
— Matthew 6:28-30