Day 143

This evening, my best friend checked in on me and asked how I was feeling. I tend to give honest answer to people who are close to me, so I shared with her my frustration and anxiety. So thankful for her patience and willingness to listen and pray with me.

One funny thing she also asked me was whether or not I punched any wall today. It's one of the horrible things I would do when I am at my worst! Her question made me think about my stress levels. Then, I came up with this discovery. . .

There are 7 stages that determine my stress level:

1. The "what if" phase
2. The "vent" phase
3. The "physical pain" phase
4. The "breathless" phase
5. The "tears" phase
6. The "destruction" phase
7. The "door-slam" phase

When I first sense a problem that will lead me to being stressful, I most likely will brainstorm all the possible scenarios and look at it from every angle. When I am done making my 'what if' list but still not satisfied with my own idea of solution, I will find people whom I think will understand my position. I will express my frustration and vent it all until I gain a feel for how the situation is impacting those around me and aim to reach a decision that will make everybody happy (and me relieved).

If I still don't receive validation after talking to others, I usually begin to sense various aches in my body; such as headache, blurry vision, tingling sensation, upset tummy, etc. It almost seems like a flare up or minor MS relapse, which makes sense, because under stress my symptoms could get worse. The next phase is quite similar but this time I begin to experience shortness of breath from not being able to think clearly and calmly. My heart will beat faster and I will have to drink a lot of water and listen to soothing music.

If those also don't work, I will lose control of my angry tears or tired tears. This is a dangerous phase because I am emotionally fragile and anything wrong can easily push my button and make it worse. If I get offended during this period, my 'Hulk' side will appear and that's when the destruction takes place. I will punch or kick inanimate objects until the pain from hitting those things and seeing the mess I make replaces my rage ((I most likely will cry again after that)).

The very last stage is probably the one I try not to enter ever.  Door-slamming a.k.a. 'F* off I don't give a crap anymore' is unhealthy and I try my best to avoid this phase. When I decide to door-slam a situation or a person, that means they have exhausted and frustrated me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I simply have become somebody that I am not. In order to regain my sense of empathy and connection with others, my ability to pursue my long term goals, and to restore my positive focus about the future, I need to quietly close (or slam, if necessary) that door. Once it is closed, I will have zero interest in opening it back.

At this moment, I am having headache, blurry vision and tingling sensation in my body. I also have teared up a bit because I failed to envision promising future. It looks like I am somewhere between phase 4 and 5. Maybe I should go to sleep now before it's going closer to the last two phases!